By Vaqar Ahmed
When Trumpwa became the newly crowned King of Am-Wrecka, he immediately set about fulfilling his campaign promises. But first he had to select a team in his office known as the White Only House.
Trumpwa’s vizier-in-chief was a man named Bannon the Cannon who was not a nice man at all. He had both the ears and hair of Trumpwa. He had earned his name by throwing cannonballs of bigotry, hatred, racism and division in all directions. He believed that Am-Wrecka had not done enough wrecking around the world to teach all others that it was only real power in the world.
When he had to select the rest of his viziers Trumpwa got a lot of good quality military uniforms stitched and bought some mannequins from the same plastic shop he had bought his wife. He then recorded his polices and statements in a voice suited to the mannequin and put a tape recorder in its mouth. This was a very clever move as this way there could be no dissent from within the ranks. If the vizier was caught telling a lie or the people did not like what the vizier said, Trumpwa either changed the tape or bought a new mannequin.
One of Trumpwa’s important lady vizier was a person named Kelly the Con who was an expert in inventing new facts and had the copyright on the term “Alternative Facts”. However, she was very respectful towards the black people and showed this by sitting with her feet up on a sofa when some black leaders turned up mistake in the White Only House. Kelly the Con had a twin brother Swine Spicey whose job was to spice up all the alternative facts and shove it down the press-walas bottoms.
Trumpwa, being a man of his word, started the construction of a wall to protect the country. Trumpwa knew from some book that Am-Wrecka was built by the black slaves. Unfortunately he could not revive the very useful institution of slavery so he came up with a bright idea: there were about a million blacks in jail so why not put them all on building the wall? Since one good idea leads to another, the wily Mexicans put all their prisoners on digging tunnels under the wall. Thus nothing changed but Trumpwa fulfilled his campaign promise. From that time the balance of trade between Mexico and Um-Wrecka came to be known as “Balance of Tunnel Traffic”.
Trumpwa who was a real estate man greatly admired land grabbers and crooked building contractors. His biggest hero was one Mr. Bibi Ben who was the No. 1 land grabber and real estate developer of the world. Mr. Bibi Ben and his ancestors had stolen a lot of land from some people who were originally known as the Palestinians but had been renamed Terrortinians by Am-Wrecka. On the stolen land they created a warrior kingdom called Zionistan. Mr. Bibi Ben and his compatriots suffered from an incurable disease known as “The Victim Syndrome” and so got a lot of money and sympathy from many other kingdoms.
Not too far from Zionistan there was this Muslim kingdom called Pershia that did not particularly like the land-grabbers of Zionistan. One day Mr. Ben had a dream that Pershia was going to destroy Zionistan. Since Mr. Ben was one of the chosen people of God, his dreams were a direct message from the Lord above. So he called Trumpwa and asked for his blessing to destroy Pershia. “These are bad people, very bad people. All Moslimes are bad. Sure, sure, go right ahead and wipe them off from the face of the earth!”
So Mr. Bibi sent a nuclear missile flying to Iran and announced to the world that Zionistan was the victim of Pershian aggression. The Pershians sent back a love letter to Mr. Bibi Ben via their own missile. To show his solidarity with Mr. Bibi Ben, Trumpwa sent a few of his large bums to Iran.
This gave a bright idea to the primitive warrior tribe of North Karo Kari that was led by their great leader Kim Long Dong to do some live testing of their own long range missiles, so they sent some off to the USA. As the U.S defense radars detected the missile they immediately informed Trumpwa and sought permission to use the anti missile system. Trumpwa made a face and tweeted back, “This is another example of Fake News”.
Fortunately for Trumpwa the missile guidance system failed and it landed in Japan and destroyed their cute little island.
This greatly upset Am-Wrecka who wiped the aggressor from the face of the earth by raining down some of its own long ones. “Foul!” cried China who was buddy-buddy with North Karo Kari, and sent some Chinese death birds across the Pacific Ocean to New York City.
Sitting in his bat cave, Bannon the Cannon was drooling about such an opportunity and he asked Trumpwa to order a nuclear attack on China, and that was the end of another super power and some billion good folks.
Now China was a bosom buddy of another nuclear armed country called Khairatistan which had spent half of all the money it had borrowed from other Kingdoms on building a special kind of bomb called the “Islamic Bomb” and the other half of on defending it. Its archenemy was its neighbor Modiland that hated Khairatistan with equal venom. The King of Modiland was a man boasting a 46 inches chest and was a chuddy-buddy of Trumpwa. To show its solidarity with China the Khairatis sent a warhead flying towards New Delhi the capital of Modiland that turned the city into No Delhi in an instant. Of course, Modiland destroyed Khairatistan in turn.
The Russians and their leader Bloodymir Poutine were hopping up and down with glee and guzzling down vodka by the gallon, as they thought that were the only superpower left on planet earth. Their celebrations were short lived as the Ukranians saw a golden opportunity to get even with their old rulers, and sent out a few nukes they had hidden away in the mountains. All that was left of Russia were some mushrooms that were not even edible.
While all this was happening Ms. Kelly the Con told Trumpwa that the PM of New Zealand had tweeted that even the New Zealand sheep had more of a voice than Mrs. Mellownia Trumpwa. Trumpwa being a sensitive soul with a soft spot for his plastic wife launched a nuclear strike against New Zealand.
The rest of the world was then destroyed by the radiation from all these bombs and the human race met its end. Only two people survived: their names were Adam Khan and Eve Khanum. They sent a special request to God for a visa to return to the Garden of Eden from where they had been expelled a long time ago. By this time God was quite disgusted with the shenanigans of the human race and denied them the visa.
After the nuclear holocaust the only food left on planet earth was an apple tree, so Adam and Eve ate the fruit. Unfortunately, the apple too was contaminated with the nerve agent VX and Adam and Eve died within minutes of eating it.
Now there is nothing left of the humans on the planet earth and only the tough cockroaches who survived the war live there. They are the new rulers of the Earth. They have erected a huge monument that says, “Thank you Trumpwa for making Cockroaches great again!”
Now go to sleep my cockroach child, goodnight.
Note on author:
Mr. Ahmed was originally a human but due to his bad deeds he was re-incarnated as a cockroach. He lives in a garbage dump on the Sea view beach in Kachrachi, Khairatistan.