Breaking News! Trumpwa Interviews Rehman Malik for FBI Director

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A childhood photo of Mr. Rehman Malik

PRES: Good morning Mr. Roman!

RM: Good marning Sir, but I am not Roman, I am Pakastani and my name is Rehman Malik

PRES: OK, OK, Mr. Ramen

RM: Sir, ramen is noodle, like Maggie noodle, my children like very much. I am man and name is Rehman


Courtesy the Friday times

PRES: Man all you Pakistanians have impossible names. OK, I call you Curly Joe.

So, what will you bring to the table if you become FBI big chief?

RM: Big chef? Whatever you order Sir. Chicken Biryani, Mutton Biryani, Nihari, Siri Paye….

PRES: No, no, no, I mean what skills will you bring to do the job?

RM: OK. Now I understand! Well, we have famous saying in Pakastan: set a thief to catch a thief. I am thief-in-chief so I catch all thieves in America

PRES: Ha Ha I like you Ramen, …I mean Curly

RM: In Pakistan when I big boss of Federal Investigation I catched all thief uxcept one: my boss – Mr. Ausaf Zoordari!

PRES: Mr. Zoordari, now that is a good man, a very good man! You can never catch that man with his pants down! You know why? Because he never wears pants! Get the joke, Curly?

RM: No Sir, but it is very funny

PRES: I hope you do not like showboating like that SOB Comey?

RM: Never Sir, I don’t like boats and the only show I watch is Quantico because I very much like Priyanka Chopra.

PRES: Chopra, yeah that is one hot babe. I will invite her to the next Trump Gropey party. I assume you have a green card?

RM: Of course, of course. I win it in green card lottery. I also got yellow card and red card. Crunt PM of Pakistan gave me yellow and red card because he like me very much.

PRES: Tell me Curly, how would you proceed with the Russia Inquiry?

RM: Russia? Where is Russia, I don’t know. Also, if there is no FIR there is no inquiry. Has anyone cut parcha, I mean FIR, against you?

(FIR stands for First Information Report that is filed in Pakistan by a complainant in a Police Station. Also known as Parcha. Usually, police refuse to accept it to keep the crime rate low!)

PRES: No parcha, no problem, right?

RM: Yes Sir, prablum solved!

PRES: Curly, you are twisted like noodle but very clever

RM: I beg to remain your humble servant and I will serve you in any position for your pleasure. Would you like a good shave?

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PRES: Loyalty, which is what I like. Are you good with stuff like wiretapping, eavesdropping, compromising position photos?

RM: Sir, if you like I can show you your own compromising position photos……

PRES: OK, OK, I got the point. Impressive, very impressive!

RM: Also, catching terrorist is my hobby. I have GPS, I go locate all terrorist in Karachi – very big city, you know. Then I cut all cell phone in the city, so terrorists get stuck, and then catch them like rats…ha ha ha! But one question Sir?

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PRES: Sure, sure Curly

RM: If I get job do I get latest ka Iphone? With unlimited calling plan?

PRES: Of course. It will be free!

RM: Then can I have two?

PRES: H’mm for that I would need congressional approval, but I will try. But tell me are you a tough guy, you know this ain’t an easy job with all those Islamiks and bad dudes running around the country

RM: Sir, you pay me little, I little tough; you pay me much, I much tough; if you pay me too much, I too much tough.

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Curly in his “too tough” mode

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Mr. Rehman (right) with his bosses (courtesy

PRES: I like you Curly! Do you have any questions for me?

RM: Just one question Sir: What is FBI?

PRES: You are hired!



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