The Last King of the Earth
by Vaqar Ahmed
Long, long time ago when humans still inhabited the planet Earth, there lived a King called Trumpwa who ruled over the most powerful kingdom of the Earth called Am-Wrecka. This kingdom had a tendency to wreck every place it set its feet in.
Trumpwa did not look, or act, like a human: he had shaved his head, taken a thatch of yellow hay, stiffened it with gel and stuck it on his scalp with crazy glue. He had the face of a hedgehog and a permanent expression that was somewhere between a frown, a scowl, and a growl. He only knew one hundred words of English but appeared to know two hundred by repeating every word twice.
Trumpwa had a beautiful wife who was made of plastic. When asked why he had a plastic wife instead of a real one made of flesh and blood, Trumpwa – ever the practical man – replied, “Low maintenance!” The wife never demanded any attention or respect from her husband that left Trumpwa with plenty of time to play “Groping” a game he had invented. The game involved interacting with real women. The people who played this game were known as Trumpwa Gropies. Trumpwa was so happy in marriage with plastic that he tied the knot three times. Some say that he went to a sale that was giving a discount if three similar plastic wives were purchased.
In the ancient times the humans used to hold something called “elections” in which everyone was allowed to elect their king or queen by casting a “vote”. The whole world laughed when Trumpwa announced that he was contesting to be the King of Am-Wrecka. “Look at this fool”, they all laughed, “He is nothing but a clown!”
Undeterred by the heckle and ridicule, Trumpwa traveled far and wide to campaign for his election. He went to villages where simple folks lived and promised them untold riches if he became the King. He also warned them that there are some people of a different species (akin to pigs) called immigrunts who were stealing jobs from the hard working village people. “These immigrunts come from a planet called Mexico. First I will throw them all, all of them, these bad bad folks out of planet earth and then build a wall, a wall on the border with Mexico to make sure these vermin never come back, never, ever”. The villagers clapped and cheered and shouted, “Trumpwa for King, we are liking”. Trumpwa also warned them of very dangerous creatures called “Moslimes” whose women wore bandages called Hijab on their heads, and the men donned a special jacket – custom made in an unruly kingdom called Naswaristan – that was lined with explosive material. “The Moslimes are so crazy that they bang their foreheads hard on the ground five times a day. Clearly, we cannot tolerate such sub-humans among us so we will arrest them all and put them in a big jail.” The last danger, he told the now very concerned villagers, comes from ape like folks who are so black that they cannot be seen in the dark. “These invisible people come and rob you and since they run very fast you can never catch them. Whatever has been stolen from you is the work of these wicked people. Sometimes they can beat you up and even kill you; it means nothing to them!”,Trumpwa thundered and the villagers shuddered with fear.
Came the election time and to the horror and shock of those who had dismissed Trumpwa, the clown became the King!
Trumpwa threw a big party to celebrate his win and invited a lot of people but only a few turned up, as not many believed that he had actually won. Trickster that he was, Trumpwa provided double vision glasses to the press reporters so that the party seemed twice the size.
And thus began, what came to be known as the “Year of the Monkey”.
End of Part 1