Interview with President Trumpwa
By: Vaqarosky Ahmadov
VNN: Dobraye ootro, Mr. President!
PRES: What, what you just said, you cursing me?
VNN: Sir, it is a greeting in Russian, I thought you would know it.
PRES: Hey you rascal, are you from CNN or VNN?
VNN: From VNN Sir. The Russian president Mr. Bloodymary Poutine has claimed he has some interesting footage from the time you took the Miss World competition to Russia. Would you like to comment?
PRES: Yes, and let me tell you, the footage is screened in Kremlin every morning to boost the sagging morale of the Russian leadership. You are a Russki, you must have seen the movie?
VNN: I have indeed Sir. And may I commend you on your rising performance in the clips. But Sir, do you think that these videos can be used by the Russians to influence your decisions…if you know what I mean!
PRES: Nothing to worry there. We also have footage of Mr. Poutine with his wife. If we release that video Mr. Poutine would become the laughing stock of the whole world….if you know what I mean!
VNN: Sir, how do you propose to deal with the failure in repealing Obamacare and replacing it with TrumpCare?
PRES: Those who opposed the TrumpCare plan must suffer now. I have Bannon the Canon to write up a new health plan with the assistance of Pakistan’s Ministry of Health, called ‘Don’t Give a Damn” plan that will allow the drug companies to charge whatever they want to, and the insurance companies to set whatever premium they choose to.
VNN: Now that FBI has confirmed that Obama did not wiretap your phone, what do you think was the surveillance method that he used?
PRES: Obama is black, his wife is black, his children are black; he obviously used black magic. He is from Nigeria, you know. He is the original Nigerian scammer!
VNN: Sir, you recently called yourself an “instinctual person” when you said that Mr. Obama tapped your phone. The dictionary defines instinctual person as one “with fixed pattern of behavior”, what is your pattern?
PRES: Rational, Rational and Rational.
<There is a sound of an explosion>
PRES: There you go, as I said yesterday Obamacare is going to explode!
<A security officer rushes in>
SECURITY: Sir, there has been an explosion in the White House. We will need to evacuate you!
PRES: Fake News!
SECURITY: Sir, this is for real!
PRES: F A K E N E W S. Now get out of here!
VNN: How are your plans for building the border wall with Mexico coming along?
PRES: Mexico? Remind what is it?
VNN: It is your neighboring country, Sir.
PRES: Ha Ha, you call that a country? It should be declared one large criminal gang. A whole bunch of drug dealers, rapists and cheats! I am going to sell all the drugs seized from the smugglers on ebay. With that money we will build the wall. The work will be done by a contractor, Melike Riad. This man is a genius. He built the Eiffel Tower in a place called Siberia Town, in Lahore, India.
VNN: Sir, but a Frenchman built the Eiffel Tower a long time ago. Also, Lahore is in Pakistan, not India.
PRES: No, Not at all. This is a new and improved version. Here, I show you a picture. And India Pakistan-what difference, all small dark people. Bad hombres.
Photo by Khizer Bajwa, courtesy HowPakistan.com
VNN: But Sir, you recently said that, I quote, “I love Hindu”
PRES: I say many things so I must have said it. OK, now I remember! Hindu is very good country. There is this very smart man there; his name is …I think..Lulu Prozac Yadu. The dude was the Chief of the most developed province of Hindu called Bihar. He called me yesterday and said, “Trumpwa, I am so impressed with you. The way you are going about running USA, you will turn it into Bihar in six months!” Now that is a compliment!
VNN: Sir, turning to some personal questions. We understand that you are an avid reader. Mrs. Trumpwa has said that you are so fond of reading that you sleep in a bedroom separate from hers so you can read late into the night. Can you tell us what are your favourite books?
PRES: Good question, very good question. Books have guided me throughout my life. My bible for matters relating to women is a book called “The Open Blouse”, by a British author C. More Tits. In matters of reproductive choices I follow the masterpiece “The Unwanted Child” by F.L. Burst. Lastly, the book on politics that gives me a deep understanding of the wily Chinese mind, “Mud on the Wall” that was written many, many hundreds of years ago by a great, a very great philosopher Hu Flung Dung.
VNN: Sir, there are some reports going around that your wife is made of plastic. Would you like to comment?
PRES: I am the president, not you. I can have a wife made of plastic, paper, metal or of any other material. You are asking bastardy questions! What did you say your name was?
VNN: Sir, Vaqarosky Ahmadov
PRES: I am sure you are from CNN. Security, throw this man out and seize his White House press card!
<Another much louder explosion is heard> Security rushes in
SECURITY: Sir, a North Korean Missile has just hit the West Wing of the White House!
PRES: North Korea? Remind me what it is?